Why You Keep Hitting Walls in Your Relationships

When was the last time that you had a conversation where you felt safe, valued, and understood so that you really opened up and shared? I have asked hundreds of people this question. Few could even remember having one! 

If you are hitting walls, feeling unseen and unheard, experiencing the friction, emotional hijack and distance in your relationships, and wondering,” How do I change this”, then pay attention!

We have two major obstacles that everyone deals with before they even get into conversations.

The first is that you have patterned your communication from your parents or others who for the most part were not taught how to effectively communicate and build relationships!

Let me give you an example. My parents were wonderful people. I saw at times when they could not agree, and the emotions were controlling the conversation, my dad would just leave and not work it out. I followed that pattern myself, until my wife helped me to communicate differently.

The second is that everyone including you has a wall around them. Everyone! That wall is there to keep you safe. When you feel friction, rejection, and pushback in your conversations and relationships, it is because you are hitting their wall.

It is most likely you have not learned how to be a safe communicator, so they will invite you into their world. You have probably also kept people outside of your wall because of how they communicate with you. Realizing we all have walls, and that we all struggle at times to effectively communicate, what can you do to create more effective communication?

The key is to live in what I call “The Communication Sweet Spot”. Every relationship you have, whether it is the relationship you have with yourself or others is controlled by these three things:

1) How you communicate with yourself about yourself and others.

This is the inner voice often known as the “inner critic”. You know, the one that talks to you about what is wrong with you or others.

2) How you see yourself and how you see others.

This is determined by how you feel about yourself and others. This can easily drive you to put on the wrong lenses like comparison, judgement, criticism, needing to be right, trying to impress, and creating unrealistic expectations about how you or someone else should be showing up. Wrong lenses create false identities which then block your ability to truly connect.

3) How you actually communicate with others.

Most people have not been taught the steps to effective communication. So, they and maybe even yourself, find themselves preoccupied, self-focused, waiting to tell their story, and feeling the need to fix the other person.

This results in frustration, rejection, lack of cooperation, and over time, the relationships can become strained, undervalued, avoided, and eventually the relationship can even die.

It is time to learn how to communicate so that the people you connect with in your life or business feel understood, safe, valued and empowered.

Those who learn how to be present in the moment, notice what is important to others, ask the right questions, and learn how to ask permission, will bring down walls and begin to create wonderful relationships. These people become rare and unique in the family and business!

 Remember that every day is a great day to grow in confidence in your relationships!